That’s a no-no now he’s getting bigger!
I fell foul of the health visitors this week.
One of the strategies we use to help regulate and calm both of our children is a child carrier. It’s a fairly sturdy one, with padded straps and clips and it provides us with a comfortable way of keeping them close at times when they need it. They both really like being in it, and will often ask to use it if they’re feeling a bit wobbly.
We also sometimes use the carrier to transport Tiny. He’s only 3, he can’t walk as far as the adults or his sister, and it’s a more connecting way of getting him around than the buggy. When he’s in the buggy he’s facing away from us, we can’t hear him well and he often completely spaces out. When he’s in the carrier we can interact with him a lot more, with obvious benefits for the attachment we’re still trying to build with him. We’re not the only ones who do this; a quick Google search will find you many other parents who believe there’s a benefit to carrying toddlers and preschoolers, both birth and adopted.
Unfortunately I tripped and fell while I had Tiny in the carrier this week. He was fine, but because he hit his head we took him to hospital to be checked out as a precaution. This earned us a follow-up call from the health visitors. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they called. I was fully expecting some kind of safeguarding box to be triggered and as a professional I would be worried if it hadn’t been. As adopters we know only too well that not every injury to a child is an accident, and we hear again and again in serious case reviews about children with a catalogue of injuries which were never followed up. So I don’t mind at all that she called.
What I did mind is that she told me, over the phone, without knowing any of our reasons for doing so, or any of Tiny’s history, that ‘carriers are a no-no now he’s getting bigger. You’ll have to find another way of doing it’.
As you can imagine, I feel terrible about the accident and the fact that Tiny got hurt. But that’s just what it was. An accident. I could just as easily have tripped with him in a piggyback, on my shoulders or in my arms, all of which I (and pretty much every parent anywhere) do from time to time. When I’ve told friends about what happened, a few have told me similar stories about tripping while carrying their children in one way or another. I’m not going to stop doing these things just because there’s a very small chance I may trip again at some unspecified point in the future.
Our social worker, when she was involved, knew we used the carrier and thought it was a great idea. We use a carrier that’s recommended for children up to four years old, and for front carrying up to 13kg and back carrying up to 20kg. Tiny is 3 years old and just over 11kg (we don’t call him Tiny for nothing!) so we’re well within the recommended use. If the health visitor had looked at all of this information, evaluated the possible benefits to Tiny in terms of his anxiety and attachment needs and then told us we shouldn’t use it, I wouldn’t mind so much. But I found her approach risk-averse, patronising and evidence of the one-size fits all approach which doesn’t work for our children. It’s really put my back up, as you can probably tell from my need to write this post.
Some might say, having read this, that’s she’s right and I shouldn’t do it. And that’s fine… at least you’ve listened to my reasoning. And it’s true, I can’t guarantee I won’t ever trip again while carrying him. I also can’t guarantee I won’t ever trip while carrying their hot dinner or a cup of tea, or that they won’t ever fall off a slide or swing, or hurt themselves on our trampoline. Parenting is full of uncertainty and much as we’d like to we can’t wrap our children up in cotton wool. Others might say I should just ignore this woman, and that her views are obviously ill-informed and not worth worrying about. But they’re sending someone for a home visit in a couple of weeks, and I’m not comfortable nodding and smiling and saying I’ll never do it again, when I fully intend to.
Writing this has helped me to get my thoughts in some sort of order though, so thank you for reading. And if anyone knows of any research evidence around the use of child carriers with traumatised children, then please do send it my way!
Ps. Please don’t think I’m anti health-visitor per se! This is the third one we’ve had contact with. I didn’t think much of the first (who seemed thrown by the fact we’re a same-sex couple and referred to Tiny’s birth Mum as his ‘real mum’), but the second one was fantastic and really got a lot of the issues at play in Tiny’s development.
One of the strategies we use to help regulate and calm both of our children is a child carrier. It’s a fairly sturdy one, with padded straps and clips and it provides us with a comfortable way of keeping them close at times when they need it. They both really like being in it, and will often ask to use it if they’re feeling a bit wobbly.
We also sometimes use the carrier to transport Tiny. He’s only 3, he can’t walk as far as the adults or his sister, and it’s a more connecting way of getting him around than the buggy. When he’s in the buggy he’s facing away from us, we can’t hear him well and he often completely spaces out. When he’s in the carrier we can interact with him a lot more, with obvious benefits for the attachment we’re still trying to build with him. We’re not the only ones who do this; a quick Google search will find you many other parents who believe there’s a benefit to carrying toddlers and preschoolers, both birth and adopted.
Unfortunately I tripped and fell while I had Tiny in the carrier this week. He was fine, but because he hit his head we took him to hospital to be checked out as a precaution. This earned us a follow-up call from the health visitors. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they called. I was fully expecting some kind of safeguarding box to be triggered and as a professional I would be worried if it hadn’t been. As adopters we know only too well that not every injury to a child is an accident, and we hear again and again in serious case reviews about children with a catalogue of injuries which were never followed up. So I don’t mind at all that she called.
What I did mind is that she told me, over the phone, without knowing any of our reasons for doing so, or any of Tiny’s history, that ‘carriers are a no-no now he’s getting bigger. You’ll have to find another way of doing it’.
As you can imagine, I feel terrible about the accident and the fact that Tiny got hurt. But that’s just what it was. An accident. I could just as easily have tripped with him in a piggyback, on my shoulders or in my arms, all of which I (and pretty much every parent anywhere) do from time to time. When I’ve told friends about what happened, a few have told me similar stories about tripping while carrying their children in one way or another. I’m not going to stop doing these things just because there’s a very small chance I may trip again at some unspecified point in the future.
Our social worker, when she was involved, knew we used the carrier and thought it was a great idea. We use a carrier that’s recommended for children up to four years old, and for front carrying up to 13kg and back carrying up to 20kg. Tiny is 3 years old and just over 11kg (we don’t call him Tiny for nothing!) so we’re well within the recommended use. If the health visitor had looked at all of this information, evaluated the possible benefits to Tiny in terms of his anxiety and attachment needs and then told us we shouldn’t use it, I wouldn’t mind so much. But I found her approach risk-averse, patronising and evidence of the one-size fits all approach which doesn’t work for our children. It’s really put my back up, as you can probably tell from my need to write this post.
Some might say, having read this, that’s she’s right and I shouldn’t do it. And that’s fine… at least you’ve listened to my reasoning. And it’s true, I can’t guarantee I won’t ever trip again while carrying him. I also can’t guarantee I won’t ever trip while carrying their hot dinner or a cup of tea, or that they won’t ever fall off a slide or swing, or hurt themselves on our trampoline. Parenting is full of uncertainty and much as we’d like to we can’t wrap our children up in cotton wool. Others might say I should just ignore this woman, and that her views are obviously ill-informed and not worth worrying about. But they’re sending someone for a home visit in a couple of weeks, and I’m not comfortable nodding and smiling and saying I’ll never do it again, when I fully intend to.
Writing this has helped me to get my thoughts in some sort of order though, so thank you for reading. And if anyone knows of any research evidence around the use of child carriers with traumatised children, then please do send it my way!
Ps. Please don’t think I’m anti health-visitor per se! This is the third one we’ve had contact with. I didn’t think much of the first (who seemed thrown by the fact we’re a same-sex couple and referred to Tiny’s birth Mum as his ‘real mum’), but the second one was fantastic and really got a lot of the issues at play in Tiny’s development.
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