Living the theory

This week's #WASO theme invites us to write about challenges, positives or something that's worked really well for your family. It's a good one, as it's pushed me into writing a post that I've been wanting to write for a long time, but which I've been putting off because it's a big one and needs quite a bit of time and mental engery. I've referenced some training we attended recently in a couple of previous posts and haven't said much more than that. I wasn't meaning to be cryptic, I just didn't have the time at that moment to write too much about the specifics. And because it's something quite different to anything I've done before, I didn't want to mention it without being able to do it justice. So here it is... The Great Behaviour Breakdown, which is the cornerstone of pretty much everything we're trying to put in place at home at the moment. Rewind nine months. Little and Tiny had just moved in. We had the typical 'h...

I am ten pages in to Dan Hughes's book Building the Bonds of Attachment  and I can already tell that it's going to be a very useful read. It's not the first time I've come across his description of 'developemental trauma', but as with so many things, re-reading it with fresh eyes (or rather pretty tired and jaded eyes!) now that we've had the best part of a year to get to know our children brought home to me how much it currently applies to one of the little people in our care; so much so that I made my partner stop what she was doing and listen while I read it aloud. I've read a few things lately - in other blog posts or on various Facebook groups I follow - about attachment and how attachment difficulties are often (mis)used as a catch-all term to explain away any and all problems adopted children face, when in fact attachment problems are a symptom of the wider difficulty of developmental trauma rather than being a cause in their own right. I coul...

We've been trying to implement something called  the affection prescription  with the children in the last few months. It's much easier said than done, and we're currently taking it in the spirit of the idea rather than follow it to the letter. The basic principle is about ensuring that you are spending quality, child-led time with each of your children individually. The prescription is for 10 minutes first thing, 20 minutes in the afternoon and 10 minutes in the evening, which doesn't sound like much on paper, but the practicalities of daily life mean that it's very much a work in progress here... the main problem being that the ratio is often one adult to both children, and quality time usually means something different to each of them, so unless we're both around, it can be a challenge. One thing we have consistently implemented, however, is 10 minutes of quality, child-led time for each of them at the very beginning of their bedtime routines. We alternate ch...

In my last post I wrote about the drama triangle and the way it can play out during conflict in our household. I'm pleased to say that things have generally been feeling a bit calmer over the last couple of weeks (touch wood!) which I think we've all needed. This has also given me some space to give a bit of thought to another role of the drama triangle in our interactions. All children display big emotions from time to time. I remember reading something in the past about the reason that the 'oh, all children do that' comment in relation to adopted children and behavioural challenges wasn't helpful was because it failed to take into account the intensity and frequency of the behaviour or emotions, which is often much greater. Certainly from my point of view, it also leads to me feeling that my concerns are being dismissed and that I'm not being listened to or supported in how I feel. This is also how our children can end up feeling if we fail to listen to and ac...

The drama triangle is not a new concept to me. It's one I'm familiar with from my training days and in my professional life. As professionals we are taught how easy it is to enter into the rescuer role, and to see the people we are working with (who are often vulnerable in one way or another) as victims. The difficulty with this is that we are then instantly doing things to or for them, rather than with them, and are not empowering them to do things for themselves, which inhibits their ability to make lasting changes in their situations. In a recent training I attended (more on that in another post), the drama triangle was applied to adoption, and specifically to supporting a child who exhibits challenging behaviour.  I won't go into the detail of the theory, as there's plenty of easily accessible information out there about it, but in short, it represents a model of unhelpful communication within relationships or situations, where people fall, or are drawn, into one of...

We have two little people (Little, aged 6 and Tiny, aged 3), who were placed for adoption with us in the latter part of 2016. Like every other prospective adopters, we'd read a lot about theories, difficulties and various approaches beforehand, but without any specific children to link it to, I quickly reached information saturation. Then the little people arrived, and as we'd been warned, nothing quite prepares you for the reality! Probably the truest piece of advice I was given prior to their arrival was from a (birth) parent colleague of mine, who said 'nothing can prepare you. You can't realise how much your life will change until it does!' She was so right. In my professional life, I work in the health and social care sector, where pretty much everything we do is based on tried and tested evidence based approaches. In my work I'm frequently required to reflect on why I'm doing things a certain way, and I've found that one of the ways to keep myself ...