Living the theory

We’re having sibling issues at the moment. Or more specifically, Little is having sibling issues. We’ve had a massive increase in CPV and violence towards Tiny from her in the last couple of weeks and we’re at a loss as to how to stop it. It’s always triggered by the same thing - Tiny getting something she sees as unfair. Saturday’s outburst was triggered by him having a play date (she has play dates all the time, this was his second ever!). Sunday’s was triggered by him using my computer (they’re allowed an hour each for games at the weekend and she’d already had her turn). She was intent on hurting us and him, constantly running off looking for new missiles to throw at us then running back with a grin on her face. She ripped up and knocked over things he had made and would not let up shoving her face in his and intimidating him. It culminated with me and him locked in the bathroom while she tried to bash the door down with his toy guitar, and then, when she’d eventually run ...

We’ve recently braved travelling abroad with the children for the first time. Staying away from home is a challenge for us all, and is an area where we’ve been gradually building up their tolerance over the past year or so. We started off with one night away at my parents’ house and have very gradually increased the number of nights. We’re up to three nights now, so the time felt right to attempt a trip to see their other set of grandparents, who live abroad. The trip involved a number of firsts… namely their first trip abroad, and their first time on a plane, and we’d done a lot of thinking about possible triggers and had planned accordingly. We paid a bit extra to secure a sensibly timed flight from a small airport not too far away and created a plan together of how we’d get there, what the flight would be like, some of the things we’d do while away, and how we’d get back. We made both of the children visual planners to track how long we’d be away and how close we were to going h...

Little has had a really good few months. Something clicked with her over the summer holidays and she seemed to be feeling so much more settled and confident in herself. I don’t know if it was the adoption order finally being granted (she was very aware of what this entailed and had been anxious to legally change her name for ages) or us having all spent a prolonged period at home being a family without the distraction of school, but things just felt a lot calmer. She’s had the occasional wobble since and we’ve still had to be very aware of her triggers and head things of at the pass, but on the whole things have been stable for the last 5-6 months. With her at least anyway. Tiny has made sure to fill the void so we don’t get too complacent, but that’s a whole other story... Something has happened in the last week or so though that has sent Little into a tailspin. We’re still not entirely sure what is at the heart of it... her behaviour was gradually slipping over a few days last we...

Tiny really hates brushing his teeth. He has a number of sensory aversions, and we think this is one of them. His reactions have ranged from refusal, ignoring, throwing the toothbrush across the room and brushing everything but his teeth with it, to his current instinct to gag every time the toothbrush comes close to his mouth. Today he gagged to the point of actually being sick. Only a little bit, but still… he really hates cleaning his teeth. We’ve tried so many different things. Manual toothbrushes and electric toothbrushes. Minty toothpaste, fruity toothpaste, no toothpaste. Doing it for him and encouraging him to do it himself. Acknowledging his aversion to it and doing it together. Leaving him to it. The promise of rewards, or warnings of no sweets. Nothing has worked for more than a few weeks at a time, if that. I found myself researching alternative methods of teeth cleaning on the way into work today (someone must have invented something you just swill round your ...

I fell foul of the health visitors this week. One of the strategies we use to help regulate and calm both of our children is a child carrier. It’s a fairly sturdy one, with padded straps and clips and it provides us with a comfortable way of keeping them close at times when they need it. They both really like being in it, and will often ask to use it if they’re feeling a bit wobbly. We also sometimes use the carrier to transport Tiny. He’s only 3, he can’t walk as far as the adults or his sister, and it’s a more connecting way of getting him around than the buggy. When he’s in the buggy he’s facing away from us, we can’t hear him well and he often completely spaces out. When he’s in the carrier we can interact with him a lot more, with obvious benefits for the attachment we’re still trying to build with him. We’re not the only ones who do this; a quick Google search will find you many other parents who believe there’s a benefit to carrying toddlers and preschoolers, both birth and ...

As far as looks go, our children are very obviously siblings. Personality-wise, however, they couldn’t be more different. I’m not sure whether these different personalities are innate, or as a result of their unique experiences in the birth family and in the womb - one, by virtue of being older, spent a lot longer in their birth family, while the younger one, due to circumstances at the time of birth mum’s pregnancy, probably had a more difficult in utero experience. Where one is a thrill-seeker, and doesn’t even seem to see danger, the other is naturally over-cautious and really struggles with high anxiety levels. Little will launch herself into a new situation without a backwards glance, and constantly wants to go faster, higher and longer. She relishes new experiences and is very happy with changes in routine. Tiny, on the other hand, hangs back in any new situation. Unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety - sometimes to the point that it makes him physically ill. He has seve...