Posts

A Diagnosis

This week we got a diagnosis. It’s one which makes sense to us and which certainly doesn’t come as a surprise, and it’s also quite possibly the first of many on this journey. Little has ADHD. We’ve sort of stumbled across it by accident in a way, as we originally approached post adoption support asking about sensory assessments for both children, after noticing several things which we felt warranted further investigation. They weren’t keen on just looking at the sensory side of things, but after much faffing on their part, we finally got ASF approval for multi-disciplinary assessments, including speech and language therapy, occupational therapy and a session with a neurodevelopmental paediatrician. We went into it wanting to better understand their inner workings and to develop strategies to help them, particularly in terms of sensory integration. We were well aware that diagnoses might come out of it and we were ok with that, although it wasn’t something we were particula
Post a Comment
Read more

Sibling issues

We’re having sibling issues at the moment. Or more specifically, Little is having sibling issues. We’ve had a massive increase in CPV and violence towards Tiny from her in the last couple of weeks and we’re at a loss as to how to stop it. It’s always triggered by the same thing - Tiny getting something she sees as unfair. Saturday’s outburst was triggered by him having a play date (she has play dates all the time, this was his second ever!). Sunday’s was triggered by him using my computer (they’re allowed an hour each for games at the weekend and she’d already had her turn). She was intent on hurting us and him, constantly running off looking for new missiles to throw at us then running back with a grin on her face. She ripped up and knocked over things he had made and would not let up shoving her face in his and intimidating him. It culminated with me and him locked in the bathroom while she tried to bash the door down with his toy guitar, and then, when she’d eventually run
Post a Comment
Read more

Out of the woods

I haven’t blogged for ages. It’s been a fraught few months - Tiny had major transition after transition, what with surgery, his birthday, leaving nursery and starting school, and his behaviour became increasingly erratic. Probably nothing compared to what some of you lovely people are dealing with day to day, but the incessant yet unpredictable nature of it, along with a few things going on at work and in my wider family really wore me down. For a long time I was knackered and just doing what needed to be done to get though the day.  Fortunately for all of us, the anticipation turned out to be a lot worse than the fact in terms of Tiny starting school, and he has eased into it pretty well. His teacher is absolutely lovely and very much of the ‘meet them where they’re at’ mentality so he’s getting lots of nurture, and the slightly more structured setting has noticeably increased his confidence in being around other children and participating in group activities.  My children w
Post a Comment
Read more

Therapeutic parenting... post operatively

Tiny had his tonsils and adenoids out on Friday. It’s fair to say that none of us were looking forward to it. He hates doctors and hospitals and is not good at taking medication at the best of times. At home he’ll generally take ‘pink medicine’ (Calpol) fairly happily but anything else is a challenge. He’s also prone to anxiety and had generally been in a bit of a regressive phase recently… I only realised how much so  when I spent a bit of time with a friend’s nearly one year old last weekend  and realised that despite being nearly 4, Tiny had so many behaviours in common with him. Given that Little had a similar operation at the same hospital not too long ago, we at least had a fair idea of what was going to happen and were able to write Tiny a  pretty comprehensive story explaining it all. We read it with him as much as we could beforehand and he took it into nursery too and shared it with some of his teachers there. I made sure I packed several of his comfort things for the day a
Post a Comment
Read more

All families have different grown-ups

This week is LGBT adoption and fostering week. I am an adopter. I am also LGBT. If you read my blog regularly, you’ve  probably worked out that I’m parenting as part of a female same-sex couple. It’s not something I’ve explicitly written about in any level of detail though. Not because I’m particularly trying to hide it, but more because I feel that as a parent, the adopter part of my identity is much more significant than the LGBT part, in the sense that if I were to separate the two, I can usually find a lot more common ground with other adopters (be they gay, straight, single, coupled) than I can with lesbian parents who have chosen other ways to build a family. Would I have become an adopter if I weren’t LGBT? I can’t honestly answer that, because I don’t know. I’ve never tried to have a birth child or felt a need to try so I don’t know if it would have been an option for me under different circumstances. My wife and I knew early on in our relationship that we wanted children;
Post a Comment
Read more

Rejection, splitting and control

Little has spent the best part of a week ignoring me. She’s in constant need of full control, and splitting is one of the mechanisms she uses to achieve that. I’ve written recently about the tailspin she seems to be caught up in and one of the possible triggers we’ve uncovered, and things are continuing much in that vein, with no discernible change now that our trip abroad is behind us. I find her splitting one of the hardest behaviours to manage, as it also presses the big red button for one of my triggers: rejection. As a child I often didn’t ask for things as to me, being told ‘no’ felt worse than just going without in the first place. As an adult, it took me an episode of depression to be able to learn that it was ok to ask for things, and to request help when I needed it, rather than taking everything on myself. It’s still something I have to consciously think about though, so Little’s rejection of me stings. Several times recently I’ve noticed she looks a little wobbly an
Post a Comment
Read more

Triggers

We’ve recently braved travelling abroad with the children for the first time. Staying away from home is a challenge for us all, and is an area where we’ve been gradually building up their tolerance over the past year or so. We started off with one night away at my parents’ house and have very gradually increased the number of nights. We’re up to three nights now, so the time felt right to attempt a trip to see their other set of grandparents, who live abroad. The trip involved a number of firsts… namely their first trip abroad, and their first time on a plane, and we’d done a lot of thinking about possible triggers and had planned accordingly. We paid a bit extra to secure a sensibly timed flight from a small airport not too far away and created a plan together of how we’d get there, what the flight would be like, some of the things we’d do while away, and how we’d get back. We made both of the children visual planners to track how long we’d be away and how close we were to going h
Post a Comment
Read more