Staying with the emotion
In my last post I wrote about the drama triangle and the way it can play out during conflict in our household. I'm pleased to say that things have generally been feeling a bit calmer over the last couple of weeks (touch wood!) which I think we've all needed. This has also given me some space to give a bit of thought to another role of the drama triangle in our interactions.
All children display big emotions from time to time. I remember reading something in the past about the reason that the 'oh, all children do that' comment in relation to adopted children and behavioural challenges wasn't helpful was because it failed to take into account the intensity and frequency of the behaviour or emotions, which is often much greater. Certainly from my point of view, it also leads to me feeling that my concerns are being dismissed and that I'm not being listened to or supported in how I feel.
This is also how our children can end up feeling if we fail to listen to and acknowledge their big emotions. One of the things we've learned recently about the drama triangle, is that as parents, we often want to jump straight into the 'hero' or 'rescuer' role and offer instant solutions to our children's problems. But what they often actually need is just someone to be with them in that emotion that they're feeling. We've been seeing this through a lot of push/pull behaviour with our youngest recently. He'll kick up a fuss because he wants something, but when you give it to him, he'll push it away and kick up a fuss that he doesn't want it. But if you dare take it away, he'll get all upset that he does want it again. And then he'll start getting in a state about something else entirely and it just escalates and escalates until there's screaming and things flying round the room.
We've learned that this is virtually nothing to do with the thing he was upset about in the first place, and much more about needing someone to sit with him and share how conflicted he feels. In our parenting we follow an approach called 'The Great Behaviour Breakdown' (more about that another time) and through this we've been helped to learn to set the initial object down somewhere accessible and just let him know that it's there when he wants it, then to acknowledge how difficult things are for him in that moment. And that's it. We don't say much more, just sit down near him, or at a tolerable distance if he doesn't want us close. And you know what? Most of the time it works. He feels heard and understood and is able to draw a line under that feeling and move on much quicker that previously. And if it means fewer objects being thrown at us or less food being tipped all over the floor, then it's a win all round in my book!
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